My newly invigorated goal to have more community has really made me evaluate how to make a new friend. How do I best demonstrate kindness to turn an acquaintance into a friend? The Golden Rule says we should do for others what we want them to do for us. What I want is a convivial conversation. An opportunity to learn something new and be challenged respectfully with openness, honesty, warmth and humor. But I make a mistake assuming others are looking for the same thing. If their communication style is very different from mine, it is challenging to go the extra effort to try to hear their intent and not just their choice of words.
It’s not always easy to restrain my natural tendencies to make a quick assessment. That was a valuable skill in business, but not so good for making friends. It can be challenging to listen without applying my own filters and give a new person the benefit of doubt when I don’t agree with what I’m hearing. I’m trying to learn to tell myself ‘Maybe’. Maybe they have a good point I just can’t see yet, maybe there is more to their story worth hearing, or maybe I can learn something here. It’s called grace, and it provides the lubricant for a lot of life. Remembering how much grace has been extended to me makes it a lot easier to extend to others. But sometimes I just can’t get past their style or they mine. We never speak each other’s language. But the world is full of new people so my opportunities to practice are endless.
Making new friends takes time and perseverance. My perspective needs frequent adjustments, to keep me majoring on the important things and not dragged down in the minors. My dad used to say ‘change your altitude Joyice’, and although he wasn’t a great example of positive attitudes, the wisdom of the saying stuck with me. When I look up, I can imagine the potential this new friend might hold and I try again. Potential friends are everywhere. In your neighborhood, at the gym, your church, book club, work, or online community.
While I’m exploring how my personality has morphed over the years. (And yes, personality can be nudged by our environment and our relationships – at ANY age.) When I think about how much kindness is required to make a new friend, I’m reminded of the importance of first impressions. I’m an assertive and direct communicator, rarely lukewarm on any subject. Ask any of my friends and you’ll undoubtedly get a story about when we first met and I said something they found a little too pointed, but then, thankfully, they hung in there and a friendship blossomed. I’ve improved over the years and am thankful for the dear friend who pointed out that I would be wise to listen a bit longer before offering my point of view. Friends sustain and nurture one another. But to make a friend, you need to show yourself friendly!
Who might you need to extend a little grace to today in hopes of building community? What habit do you need to cultivate or curtail to make a friend? You never know what you might learn or what valuable friendship you might be missing out on. As the late Glen Campbell sang so well, “Try a little kindness!”
“Discover creative ways to encourage others and to motivate them toward acts of compassion, doing beautiful works as expressions of love.” (Hebrews 10:24 TPT)
“Sweet friendships refresh the soul and awaken our hearts with joy… and so one person sharpens the character of another.” (Proverbs 27:9&17 TPT)
“Oh, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person – having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.” (Dinah Maria Mulock Craik – A Life for a Life Volume 2)
Yours for a Joyful Journey,
Joyice